J`ai un chat dans la gorge...oder Alltagskomik auf Französisch

Aus aktuellem Anlass möchte ich doch nichts unversucht lassen uns zu belustigen. Der Chefwurm Europas meint also, er könne sich über Großbritannien lustig machen. Nun ja, dann werden wir mal zurückschlagen.

French 20th Century History in a nutshell

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.



"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."
—Dennis Miller

"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac."
—Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French, people."
—Conan O'Brien

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
—David Letterman

"A Frenchman both common and noble is quite self-assured because he regards himself personally both in mind and body as irresistibly attractive to both men and women. This is why the French are constantly attacked by the Prussians and the English."
- Leo Tolstoy

"In France one must adapt oneself to the fragrance of a urinal."
- Gertrude Stein

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada."
- Ted Nugent

"Basically, the French are all peasants."
- Pablo Picasso

"France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France."
- Mark Twain

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
- Hannibal Lecter

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
—Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
—General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
—Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
—Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
—Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
—Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
—Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
—P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
—John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"They've taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
—Argus Hamilton

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.... Raise both hands if you are French.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: How many gears does a French tank have?
A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A. You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The Army.


Das sollte reichen fürs erste.